Our Infertility Journey: Awaiting That Birthday!

FET Cycle starts today

2012-02-09T23:56:00.000-08:00

Well kinda....I started my Lupron shots today and am still on Birth control until Sunday the 12th. I am not sure what has caused it but I have a rash on the back of my neck and head that showed up around the time I started the birth control....at first I thought it was the Tylenol 3 I was taking for the horrible post IVF cramps but it is still as bad as it was when I first got it....Kind of funny and ironic that I could be allergic to birth control. Or maybe I have become allergic to something else that I am unaware of. Seems the older I get the more things I am allergic to.

So I am to continue the Lupron until the 23rd when I will have my first labs to see if my ovaries are suppressed enough to continue and then I will start taking Estrace and a baby aspirin every day until told to stop...at some point they will decide I am ready...will stop the Lupron and start my Progesterone shots for 5 days and add medrol, and Doxycyline to the already long list of my med cocktail. after 5 days I will have my transfer.

I should have a Pregnancy test on the 21st of march and if it is positive I have figured out that I will be due on November 28th of this year...unless it is twins then we could pretty much figure on the month prior....

updates soon....

Nothing ever goes as planned does it?

2012-01-26T11:36:00.000-08:00

We rented a room for 2 nights close to the clinic because we didn't want to drive far.

The call came in about 7:30 AM Wednesday morning.

We would not be having a transfer.

We had 3 expanding blastocysts, 3 early blastocysts, and 5 that were behind in growth.

That means no transfer. My clinic has guidelines... Day 5 uterus and fully expanded blastocysts.

I am bummed but what can I do??

We will have a FET in March so back on the pill I go once I get my period.

I got the call at 11:30 today that we have 3 fully expanded blasts and that they were vitrified, the other embryos did not make it.

3 Days Past Retrieval

2012-01-23T20:48:00.000-08:00

Today we were told we have 11 embryos remaining. 7 of them are 8 cells and 4 of them are 6-7 cells. As long as we have blastocysts on Wednesday we will have a transfer...so excited!

Mini Update

2012-01-21T09:33:00.001-08:00

Today's update: 18 mature eggs, 14 of them fertilized! I am over the moon excited for Monday's update on my little embabies.

Egg Retrieval

2012-01-20T15:01:00.000-08:00

I don't recall the bottom 2 pictures as I was just coming out of the anesthesia. Well initially we thought we would have 15 eggs retrieved and somehow managed to come up with 28! Tomorrow we will get a fertilization report and am hoping for a 5 day transfer. If the embryos are not ready they will freeze them all and put 2 back on a natural cycle as the lining of the uterus is already breaking down by day 6....we have our fingers crossed.

Retrieval Scheduled

2012-01-18T20:53:00.000-08:00

My retrieval is scheduled for Friday morning at 9:30. Last count I had 9 follicles on the left ranging from 18-20 with one of them a 16. On the right I had 6 from 18-20. I am getting excited and a little scared how things will work out. Hoping this journey is just about over!

My belly looks horrible and am soo glad that I am done with those shots, though now I will be taking Progesterone in oil in my upper buttock. But hey, that is 1 shot instead of 3 or 4 a day.

Can't wait to let you all know how things turn out.

Cycle is still on

2012-01-14T11:26:00.000-08:00

If you read my last post you know that there was the possibility of a cancelled cycle...Well not anymore.

When I showed up at the clinic today(first one in) I was absolutely petrified....was even shaking and when asked I blamed it on the cold.

Blood work done and then went in for U/S....I know what to look for on the monitor and up until today I have not seen much of anything and doctor never took measurements except for the lining of my uterus.

Today I saw FOLLICLES....7 on the left ranging from 10-13 and 5 on the right 10-12 (so long as I can still count on my 10 fingers)

I came out of that clinic BEAMING. Chris came with so that if it was bad he could drive home....so he knew I would either come out in tears or with a big smile on my face....

I had no idea whether It would still be cancelled or not but by the sound of the doctors voice as he was calling out the sizes I had a feeling that we were still on.

Me and Chris went out and had breakfast and got home around 10:30 and as soon as I walked into the house my cell rang. It was a nurse(mine is off today I am guessing) telling me to stay on my 225IU AM/PM and 20 IU low dose HCG and to be back on Monday morning....I will probably go a little farther out than my estimated 1/18 retrieval but at this point...I don't care as long as we are still on.

Blindsided

2012-01-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

My U/S and blood were taken yesterday and I had to hang out after to get more medications as they have me on the highest dose and was on my last cartridge of Follistim. My nurse mentioned that if things didn't progress that the cycle would be cancelled....needless to say my jaw hit the floor and I wanted to cry immediately.

This afternoon she called me back and told me that my(13) follicles were not growing as quickly as they would like(seemed unmeasurable) but that my E2 levels had jumped. So if things aren't better by Saturday then the cycle will be cancelled and our plans to have a nice down payment on a house are squashed because we will have to spend more on medications and make up for the U/S and bloods that have already been taken in this last week for another try at IVF. She said that we would need to adjust the medications some.

I am holding out hope that things will move along on Saturday but there is a nagging feeling I just can't shake. I have been moping around the house all day but plan to get out of the house tomorrow!

Starting meds

2012-01-06T15:24:00.000-08:00

So I am starting my meds tomorrow for IVF. I am not sure how I feel about it. They are starting me on a high dose because they only saw roughly 6 follicles on U/S. So for Saturday through Tuesday morning I will be taking 450 units of follistim a day and 20 units of low dose HCG. I am hoping it is all worth it in the end and hoping the higher meds will develop more follicles...I am so freaked out right now and know that I need to calm down and just hope for the best but it is hard to do after 10 years and only 1 IVF at hand.

IVF Meds

2011-12-31T13:31:00.000-08:00

My meds arrived yesterday. It was almost like Chrismas as I tore open the boxes and checked my list to make sure it was all there...Of course my favorite item was the bubble wrap, saving that for a very boring day.

Last month I was given an estimate of 2800 dollars. When I called in the order on the 27th I was given 400 dollars in discounts. Then the day before they arrived I got a call that if I signed up with new life agency (a 25 dollar enrollment fee) I would get 200 dollars off(100 for every 1000) my order and a 25

dollar gift certificate to walgreens pharmacy. So of course I signed up and in the end spent 2200 dollars on my meds. I couldn't be happier because I need a new bed. Mine has been giving me back issues so I can't wait to go shopping.

Hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas and an even better New Year!

IVF Class and Calendar

2011-12-05T03:19:00.001-08:00

My clinic nurse called me Friday and told me to stop taking the pill. She doesn't want me taking it for 2 months without having a period. So I should be getting AF within a day or 2. She also stated that I would be getting My calendar in the mail and received it on Saturday. She also said that she didn't have the hubs labs which is funny because I just paid the bill.

Our IVF injection class is this Wednesday and will not be ordering the medications until 12/27.

According to my calendar my last pill and my first labs will be January 2nd. Jan 7th I will start the Follistim and or Low dose HCG. January 18th is the possible retrieval day and Jan 23rd is the possible transfer day. If there is no 5 day transfer then all embryos are frozen until the following cycle...Hopefully that doesn't happen as it would be an additional 3000 dollars to transfer the following cycle. Thinking about it now if I had paid for the 3x option, this would have been included in that price. Just hoping that we have a 5 day transfer. Then the pregnancy test will be around February 1st.

Considering taking a Test the morning of but not sure yet. I don't know if I want to get the bad news from the clinic or deal with it on my own first...but I am also thinking that I don't want to jinx it by taking it on my own first...thoughts?

Hysteroscopy

2011-12-01T19:47:00.001-08:00

Hysteroscopy is the inspection of the uterine cavity by endoscopy with access through the cervix. It allows for the diagnosis of intrauterine pathology and serves as a method for surgical intervention (operative hysteroscopy).

I had mine today....UGH is all I have to say. Just glad it is over now. It was uncomfortable, a little painful but worth it. The results came out great. My uterus, and openings of my tubes were perfect as quoted by my doctor. I even got to see it on the screen. It starts out somewhat like a pap smear or HSG but apparently my cervix opening is very small and he had a little difficulty getting everything in there....once he was in the worst part was him moving the scope around to get the pictures....overall the procedure lasted about 3 minutes and it was all over. Several hours after I am still cramping but I am in a very good mood.

Tomorrow I will make my Anesthesia Pmt, and call my nurse to make sure everything is all done and then I will order my medications for January's IVF.

2011-11-15T07:47:00.000-08:00

Ever since I made the decision to call my RE my brain has not stopped going. I am surprised I can sleep at night. I have gone through my folders, bills, and anything to do with IVF hundreds of times already and we aren't even cycling until January.

At the RE we did the usual consultation where he explained how IVF works(as if I hadn't already googled googled and googled the subject) he explained that since it was purely male factor we had a 70-80% chance that it would work the first time. He then went on to explain that if we did a 3 try option it would be a 97% chance after 3.

Those of you who have been following(or hardly following because I rarely post) know that we have been saving for 3 years. the 3 time option would cost us 19,000(including meds) the first time...then roughly 6,000 more for subsequent "fresh" cycles....so these do not include frozen embryo transfers...which cost 4000 each.

I had gone in and come out thinking we were going to do the 3x....but then I got to thinking. the doctor thinks that we could easily get 20 eggs from our retrieval(ultrasound showed 8 follicles on just 1 ovary during our introductory U/S) so what happens to my frozen embryos...just leave them sit while I keep doing fresh? I have read that frozen embryos have just as much a chance as fresh given they survive the thaw....and from what the doc says about the newer proceedure they use for freezing embyros....I just don't like the thought of leaving them behind...and with the 18 month time limit on the 3...you could say I was a little stressed out.

I got the bill in the mail.....

3x option 16,300(ICSI included(only for first cycle), no meds)

single IVF cycle 10,160(ICSI included, no meds)

I litterally did not make my final decision until I walked up to the teller at the bank...I stood there and looked at her and she probably thought I was crazy. "how much"......10,160 please.....look around...not 1 person was looking away from me....when I told her DR R, MD....they probably thought I was getting some plastic surgery or something...lol

When I got out to my car I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted. Even though I know that there is a chance it won't work...I am not thinking about future cycles anymore and my anxiety level has dropped significantly...now I only wonder...should I do acupuncture? If I do when do I start? When do I stop....and how will I fit it into a crazy work, stim, schedule.....

My sister is pregnant. AGAIN. Hoping I can at least be pregnant with her this time....Already tired of hearing about her morning sickness and her hoping it is a boy....so secretly hoping it is yet another Female...

Hope you all are doing great and that you all have a wonderful holiday season and I hope I get to change the name of this Blog soon...Pray for me :)

January 2012 IVF checklist

2011-10-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

~~Consultation/ Ultrasound/ Pap smear/ Catheter check~~
~~Hysteroscopy~~
~~Day 3 labs~~
~~Infectious Disease testing~~ ~~him/ her~~
~~IVF class~~
~~IVF payment~~
~~Anesthesia payment~~
order meds
~~Start Birth control for Antagonist protocol~~

2011-10-24T02:00:00.000-07:00

IVF and and an answer to a question

2011-10-10T02:29:00.000-07:00

We have made our appointment with our RE for the 19th of October. I cannot believe we will be doing IVF in the next few months. It took us almost 3 years to save up enough money for 1 round...

Q: asked by Michelle. Why do you need to tell your boss?

A: the reason I had to tell them was because it will most certainly interfere with my work schedule for up to 3 weeks. Not only that but I work in a metal free facility and some of the medications will be taken during hours of work so I would need a doctors note for the medications.

I did not end up writing a letter but I did find the nerve to talk to a supervisor who talked to HR and she is encouraging me to come to her with all the details as it gets closer....

Have you ever lost it all

2011-09-08T15:56:00.001-07:00

Have you ever lost it all <---------------please take a look

Letter to boss about IVF?

2011-08-25T15:37:00.000-07:00

Does anyone happen to have or know where I can look at a sample letter...I am having trouble coming up with how to start. I really need to get this started.

If it would have happened right away

2011-07-12T07:19:00.000-07:00

Q: If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?

A: As most of you know, I have been TTC roughly 10 years...while most of the time was "not preventing"...ttc has been one of the worst things I have ever imagined having to deal with. I always thought it would be super easy to get pregnant and have the child I always planned on having.

I am not so sure I would have done that well should I have gotten pregnant right away...sure I would love my little mini me or mini Chris...but I don't think it would be the same....I don't think that I would have appreciated the whole experience as much as I know I will in the future.

I am sure as long as I have been waiting that it will only make me a better parent for it....all to often I see people who have children who do not realize how lucky they are to have those little people in their lives. I will embrace every thing that comes with being a mom and love every minute of it.

A Letter to no one in particular

2011-07-04T23:41:00.000-07:00

Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person.

This post is not meant to hurt anyone and it is not directed at anyone in particular, it is just a compilation of things that bother me about people who have never been through or dealt with the things I have and for the most part it isn't their fault to begin with....As I am sure that there are things a fertile has to go through that I have no understanding of.

To the pregnant woman; I realize that you are pregnant, you do not have to remind me every 2 seconds with every twitch, bathroom break, or the fact that you have heartburn. I also hate that you keep rubbing your belly even though you are not even showing yet. Quit saying you are fat....You aren't fat, you are carrying a child.....

To the woman who just got her tubes tied after her 4th pregnancy: You did not need to tell me that you feel awful now that you can not have anymore kids.....anymore? really? 4 kids is not enough for you? get over yourself...PLEASE!(okay so that one may have been directed at someone specific)

To the fertile man: It is not cool to go spreading your seed to every woman in the world....you have how many baby mama? please wear a rubber until you are sure you can actually afford to pay the child support, they make this thing now...what's it called...hmmm *scratches head.... OH RIGHT a Condom...they sell them at most gas stations, grocery stores.....

On a positive note I want to thank the people in my life who (may or may not understand what I am going through but support me anyway) are always there for me and ask me how things are coming a long and tell me how they can't wait for me to be a mom because they know I will be a good one...I hope I can live up to all of their expectations and feel as though this last 10 years is going to make me a better mom in the near future....LOVE YOU ALL SOO MUCH!

Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?

2011-06-28T23:40:00.000-07:00

Not necessarily a holiday, though it still comes once a year is my birthday. Definitely the hardest, even more so than Mothers Day because I am yet another year older and my arms are still empty. As I get closer to my goal I am getting more stressed out and worried that when I reach the goal that it won't work. I am trying to keep my mind positive but it can be very hard to do at times.

Day 2:Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception

2011-06-27T16:08:00.000-07:00

Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it?

Prop your butt on a pillow and leave your legs up in the air. I don't know where I heard it first and of course I tried it along with about a million other things including the cough syrup, relaxing....etc... It probably doesn't help though I am sure it does give some folks piece of mind...but if you know anything about how the body works you would know that once the semen enters the cervical mucus they really don't need much help doing the rest. Though I am not saying you should jump right out of bed and shower, a little cuddling after sex might suffice as long as you don't look him in the eye every time and say "so what do you think, am I pregnant?"

Infertility-related 30-day blog challenge

2011-06-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

A fellow blogger created the Infertility 30-Day Blog Challenge. Feel free to skip some, or change a few if you're just plain uncomfortable with them. But please, please, give it a shot. Maybe it'll be fun. Maybe it'll make you think.

Here it is! Take it and encourage others to do it, if you want! :)

1.How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?
2.Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it?
3.When talking to your fertile parenting friends, what is/was your favorite “perk” of childlessness to rub in their face? Sleeping in? Vacations? Hot pre-pregnancy body? Come on, confess!
4.Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?
5.Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person.
6.Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.
7.If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?
8.Share a recipe for your favorite alcoholic drink (or, if you don’t drink, it can be non-alcoholic but make it fun!), and your favorite comfort and/or post-bfn food.
9.What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant? Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?
10.Other than the song “I Would Die For That,” post a video of a song that has special meaning to you and your infertility journey. Explain it, if you’re comfortable doing so.
11.Post your favorite pre-ttc picture of yourself. Why is it your favorite? If possible, talk about that day/moment.
12.Talk about how you chose your RE.
13.Post the list of potential baby names that you seriously considered, but can no longer use because someone stole it/it became too popular/whatever reason.
14.If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?
15.If you are not yet pregnant/a parent: What are you MOST and LEAST looking forward to after that first beta? If you are already pregnant/a parent: What was the most pleasant/unpleasant thing about pregnancy? If you have taken the childfree path: What pregnancy symptom are you happy to have avoided, and which one do you wish you’d experienced?
16.If you are not yet a parent: What are you MOST looking forward to about parenthood? If you are a parent: What is the most surprising thing about being a parent? If you have taken the childfree path: What is the most surprising part of living childfree after infertility?
17.Tell us your funniest Clomid/Femara/Injectibles mood-swing story. If you don’t have one, tell us your funniest general infertility drug story.
18.Tell us about a pre-ttc pregnancy “scare.” With your current partner, or with an ex.
19.What tv show/movie/commercial/print ad has bothered you the most since you began trying to conceive? If possible, post it here. Tell us why it bothered you so much.
20.Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over infertility, even just for a few minutes? It could be a family member, friend, neighbor, or even the clerk at the grocery store who noticed your OPK and vitamin purchase. Tell the story.
21.What is your favorite infertility-related quote? It doesn’t have to be explicitly related to infertility, but one that means something to your personal journey.
22.Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.
23.Does your religion (or lack of) help/hurt/affect your infertility journey? Have you found religion? Lost it? Does it affect what treatments you do?
24.How has your financial situation affected your infertility journey?
25.Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.
26.What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy?
27.If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?
28.Have you ever done something “non-traditional” in order to help you conceive?
29.Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.
30.After a month of infertility talk, we need a distraction. Give us a link to one of your favorite non-infertility-sites, or tell us about your favorite distraction activity/book/feel-good movie.

Day 1:

How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?

We started shortly after I turned 18, 10 years ago. He already had a couple kids and I don't think he really wanted anymore but he said OK. Little did we know that it would take so long. Here we are 10 years later me almost 30 and he is turning gray at the ripe(young) age of 37. I used to hear that I had plenty of time....Not so much anymore but we are hopeful that in less than a year we will be Pregnant with the help of IVF.

A Walking Owie

2011-06-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

Today I was told I would need a Root Canal....I have heard nothing but horror stories. So what did I do? I cried like a baby being the sensitive person I am. "can you just pull it?" Keep in mind this tooth is close to the front and that if I were to pull it I would probably look horrible and never forgive myself. The doctor was very sweet and told me that he could pull it but that it really wasn't that bad.(The infection) Said that the horror stories come from people who have let the infection go on too long. So after the tears subsided I got numbed, drilled and a temporary filling....afterwards he told me that that was the bad part and that the filling next week would go good. So now I feel silly for thinking this wouldn't be a good thing. So thank you Willamette Dental for having one of my favorite dentists ever.

Also my back is KILLING me so Monday I have an appointment to get that taken care of...Hoping it isn't something serious.

Tidbit on Infertility

2011-05-27T02:57:00.000-07:00

Infertility Doesn't Just Affect Older Women

The Adorable Blog Award

2011-05-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

I want to thank Heather over at My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream for nominating my blog for this award. Make sure you follow her blog it is worth reading.

If you choose to accept this award, rules are as follows:

• Thank the person who gave you this award, and link back to them in your post.
• Tell us 10 things about yourself.
• Nominate your bloggers.
• Contact these bloggers, and let them know they received this award.

So 10 things about me that you haven't already read about in previous recent awards given.

1. I once thought for sure I was pregnant. Maybe

2. I like doing crafts but Haven't found one I like doing doing all the time. Tried and failed several times with some.

3. We are within 5,000 dollars of our IVF Goal. RE appointment

4. I once paid for a psychic reading

5. I have tattoos....are you gasping? no they aren't sculls or anything like that...just butterflies(3)...

6. Reality TV nut....yeah The Bachelor, Biggest loser, ANTM...anything on TLC.

7. 5 brothers 1 sister... all the boys are older than me.

8. I am a smart ass

9. I don't stay mad for long, especially if I love you.

10. I think I am a pretty good judge of character and know who I shouldn't hang out with...

These are the bloggers I am also nominating for the award:

I did, I do, I will she was successful with her fertility treatments and her babies are just precious.

Life In the Northwest

Our Journey Awaiting a Miracle

Married....with Endo

Wilkinsonquints too cute not to share

Spermination Station

A Journey through Infertility

Baby Steps to Motherhood

Great and Yet If'fy Expectations

Ah....My Married Life

Dreams of Being Pregnant(and my 100th blog post)

2011-05-21T18:07:00.000-07:00

About a week ago I had a dream that I was pregnant...big belly and all....it all felt so real. So of course when I woke up I automatically wanted to know what it meant because I hadn't even been thinking about being or trying to be pregnant...so of course I searched and this was all I could come up with and am still left pondering the meaning.

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. Alternatively, if you are trying to get pregnant, then the dream may be a wish fulfillment. If you are not trying to get pregnant, but dream that you are, then it symbolizes fear of new responsibilities.

To see your belly in your dream, indicates that your are processing and integrating your ideas and feelings from the unconscious to the conscious level. The belly symbolically holds repressed emotions and unexpressed feelings. Your dream may also be telling you to trust your gut feeling and intuition.

To see a pregnant belly, represents emotions that are due to come to the surface. They can no longer remain suppressed.

To dream that you are stroking or touching a belly, indicates that you are coming to terms with certain feelings. You are slowly confronting and acknowledging your repressed emotions.

The Versatile Blogger Award!

2011-04-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

Thank you Journey through Infertility and TTC for the nomination. It really wasn't expected since I don't write a whole lot.

Here are the rules:

1.) Winners- Put the above image in your blog.

2.) Include a link back to the person who gave it to you.

3.) Tell 10 things about yourself

4.) Award 15 other bloggers

5.)Contact the bloggers you awarded and let them know they won.

Ok so 10 things about me:

1. We have now been TTC for over 10 years and have been saving for IVF for a little over 2 years now.

2. I have 10 nieces and nephews whom I love to death.

3. I absolutely love walking but can hardly ever find anyone to walk with me and so I hardly ever do it....No one likes to walk alone...or am I wrong?

4. Chocolate. Enough said!

5. I play farmville hehe...shh don't tell.

6. I have OCD tendencies....I don't wash my hands all day long but DH finds me rather annoying sometimes.

7. I read a lot. I can stay up for days just reading(with the right book of course)

8. My mom is my best friend. Even though I don't like how she can be sometimes she still is my First and best friend.

9. I have 2 cats. Gina and Dusty....about the same age...they smell haha...and I hate hair. Don't ask why I have them lol.

10. I am shy. Or socially retarded, take your pick. It takes me some time to get used to people before I am comfortable with them. It is best for someone to be outgoing with me or there will be awkward silences and I really hate those.

15 bloggers awards go to

1. Heather over at My husband Ate All my Ice Cream

2. Our surrogate story

3. Single Infertile Female: Now What?

4. Ready to be a mom

5. Life in the Northwest

6. Beyond The Brick Wall

7. Jessie At Home!

8. The Sassy Infertile Lady

9. Someday

10. Bits and Pieces of Becoming a Mom

11. Journey to the Center of the Uterus

12. I did, I do, I will.

13. Baby to be

14. Double blessings

15. Infertile Follies

I am NOT my mother!

2011-04-06T01:19:00.000-07:00

I love my mom don't get me wrong about that... She is just a little wacko. Have you seen the show "Hoarders: Buried Alive"? That is her. It's not animals or anything too disgusting. Obviously she has a mental issue probably brought on by the way she was raised...

Several times she has mentioned that her parents never gave her affection. i.e. hugs, "I love you", good work...which is the total opposite of how I was raised....although with all of the hugs and kisses from mother I feel awkward and out of place when hugging other people save my DH (even from my sister). She was also deprived of "things" not sure what that is but that is her excuse for hoarding....

What does she hoard you might ask?

It started with children...1? 2? nope she had 7 of the 12 that she wanted.... My dad probably would have been happy with 1 or 2 but to keep her happy was to keep her pregnant. I on the other hand would be happy with just 1.

I am pretty sure it started before my dad left but I was 2 or 3 so I can really only recall back to about 10 or so. She won't throw anything away. One time I was helping pick up toys and found the lower half of a barbie doll...." Mom can I throw this away? The other half is missing"...."No, I might find the other half"....

She clearance shops so when she buys stuff, It isn't because she needed it or went to the store for it but because it was cheap....will she use it? probably not. you want to know where most of it is??? a storage unit or 3....so on top of paying nearly nothing for it....she is still paying out the ass because she has to pay a storage fee....I could seriously go on for days about her hoarding....

Today we went to Shopko...she put a shovel in the cart ($1.49)....she turned to look at something and i took the shovel out of the cart and placed it against a wall....she never even noticed. I expected to get a phone call but it never came....

I on the other hand can throw something away on a whim.....if it looks ugly sitting there, I am throwing it away....broken? gone!

AND THAT IS WHY I AM NOT MY MOTHER!

A Change Gonna Come

2011-02-16T02:04:00.000-08:00

First off... Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I have been missing from my blog. Guess I am not and never have been a writer, more of a reader.

Counting down the months. We are planning for September but it can still go backwards or forwards...Time and my bank account will tell.

Hope you are all doing well. My plan for the next few months is to better my body and hopefully his with some exercise and some better food :)

Pretty soon at work we are going to 12 hour shifts sad and happy at the same time...every other weekend i will have 4 days off in a row. So it might just be worth it. Not sure how that will all work out when it's time for IVF though. It is a 5pm to 5am shift....

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T23:39:00.000-08:00

... a little late I know. Hope you all had a fantastic holiday. I had to work on Thanksgiving. It is ok though because I came home to my wonderful Hub who made dinner to accommodate me. The turkey had just come out of the oven as I walked through the door. It was also our 10th Anniversary together.

I printed him off a lame card from the computer where he bought one and wrote one of the most beautiful letters to me ever. I almost cried....although there was a tear or 2 but I am sensitive like that.

A friend sent me this link the other day ( new hope ) It is a clinical trial for IVF. Free! meds and everything. Only problem... I do not live in new york. So can I stay at your place? na but really you have to be available for 6 months and have to go to 20 appointments... which would be fine...IF I lived in new york. Although I started to fill out the survey just to see if I qualified and of course there is something wrong with the page where you are to fill out your birth date, there is something wrong with that part of the quiz. Anyway, I don't think my Job would let me be gone that long....now I suppose I could fly over every time I had an appointment then when it came down to the actual IVF process i.e. shots, and doc appt every other day up untill the transfer that I could hotel or something but It actually comes out sounding more like a hassle. anyway I will probably at least contact them to tell them there is some kind of glitch unless the fact that I live in Idaho prohibits me from filling out their survey any further....

Anyhow...there is the link if any of you live in New york and are awaiting your first IVF....

Lots on my mind

2010-11-14T01:25:00.000-08:00

Did I ever mention that I am a very Impatient person???

All this waiting makes me CRAZY!

I have been taking on extra shifts at work to help save for our IVF at the end of 2011.

I work for a Factory that produces Silver and Gold blanks for various companies. I am a Laborer. We are going metal free December 1st and are being issued UNIFORMS!!! One of my favorite things about working there was that we were able to wear whatever we wanted...save slutty outfits and shorts(LOL)

I have talked to one of my supervisors about IVF and needing support when the time comes and she has stated that she has my back. I work nights and My clinics protocol has me taking my shots at the times I will be at work....needles = metal....????!!! HR did mention that if we had certain items i.e. medical bracelets etc.. we needed a doctors note and those items would be permitted so I am hoping needles and meds are among those items...although I am not thrilled with the idea of having to take my meds at work, it beats missing work for my appointments if I were working day shift.

10 months till IVF and I can't figure out why I am pondering all the details now....someone put me out of my misery... lol

Consistency

2010-10-12T02:00:00.000-07:00

I have never really been one that could count on my cycle starting the same time every month. The last three months I have started on the 11th of the month. So why did I not take that as a sign? Needless to say I had a bad morning.

Anyone watching Guiliana and Bill? Or the new season of the little couple? Both have done IVF and I am kind of liking these shows bringing Infertility to light. Although the little couple are not infertile, in a way they can relate to us. I hope they keep it up :)

Wordless wednesday: Our hike at Round Lake in Idaho

2010-10-06T01:48:00.000-07:00

Jury Duty

2010-09-29T01:34:00.000-07:00

So a couple months ago I got the Jury questionnaire right, well then I got the summons a couple weeks ago. So today was day 1 of 4 trials. Which thank goodness I was not picked. See I have this issue with anxiety when I am put in positions where It isn't something I do all the time. It took me 2 or 3 years just to get over the nervousness of going to work everyday, and could very well be one of the reasons I never went back to school.

Back to Jury duty. I was shaking the whole time and really didn't want to be there but what can you do. If you don't show up you could be arrested right? Anyway the only time I had to talk is when they asked if anyone worked nights. So then they asked if working nights would hamper my ability to pay attention. Of course I said no but I am wondering if my working nights had anything to do with them not picking me...again I really don't care....The good thing is I called tonight and Jury Duty had been canceled for the remainder of the week and I won't be called back for at least 2 years....YAY...maybe by then I will have a valid excuse to miss it like taking care of my baby(s)

Starting to get a cold, and it's not even cold yet...booo been sniffling and coughing and sneezing all afternoon...too bad it didn't start this morning maybe they would have let me go sooner.

Day 29: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the future

2010-09-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

That is pretty apparent isn't it? The only thing I have ever wanted to be/do is a mother. I never cared to get a good education and get a really good job. If I knew then what I knew now that may have been different...

I Just hope/pray/dream that I can save the money I need by next fall. I am ready to hold the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow...

Day 28: what is in your purse

2010-09-21T03:30:00.000-07:00

UH OH,
warning, it's a mess in there...

wallet which has loose change, bank card, pictures
keys
medication
phone
3 lip gloss
camera
old pay stubs
deodorant(for emergencies)
note pad and 3 pens
2 packs of gum (for emergencies)
earrings
mascara
receipts

It's no wonder I have to dump the whole thing out to find something I need.

Day 27: your worst habit

2010-09-18T01:12:00.000-07:00

yep, skipped another one...day 26 was describe your week in detail...well it would have been a repeat of the last post over and over until the weekend in which I might spend some time with my mom or sister and maybe have a chat with my bff on the phone should she decide to pay her bill this month.

Day 27: 3 and a half years ago I would have said "smoking" but when we decided it was time to see a doctor, I quit. Cold turkey!
6 months before my first OB appt I quit. It was bad for a couple weeks but I got through it...have to say it was actually easier than I thought it would be after 9 years of being a smoker. Best decision ever made honestly. I do however have to agree that you have to WANT to quit. Now if only it would rub off on DH... although when I quit smoking he took it outside so that is a plus.

so as of now my worst habit would probably be my Obsession with facebook games. Yes I play Farmville and family feud.... want to be my neighbor? lol

On another note: I am 1,000 dollars over the halfway mark to my goal amount saved for IVF! still praying for next fall.

Day 25: Your day in great detail

2010-09-17T01:27:00.000-07:00

11:52- I work nights so I just woke up, used the bathroom, and took my Levothyroxin for my thyroid.
12:00- call in refill, check messages on phone. messages on various forums, facebook, and blogger.
12:56- let the cat in, debate whether to eat or shower....
1:15- decide on a shower
1:37- make lunch for work
1:45- finally decide to eat something
1:55 off to work I go.
10:40 just got off work. Most exciting thing all day was killing a fly in the break room. Deposited Bonus check then picked up some unhealthy food before heading home.
11:30 check messages and forums again.
12:00 reading the second book in the hunger games series...then off to bed by 3am

Day 24: where you live

2010-09-14T02:56:00.000-07:00

So everyone keeps posting pics of their houses, I am too lazy to dig out my camera and take pics so I thought I would just upload some of the area where I live... Today was cycle day 3 and so I did my disposable FSH test. It was negative....thank goodness and as was expected. although the test line looked like it was almost as dark as the control line but still not positive.... I am going to repeat next month just to use up that other test.

Day 23: a youtube video

2010-09-11T00:42:00.000-07:00

Day 22: A website

2010-09-10T01:42:00.000-07:00

Can you see a line? So if you are feeling bored you can run over here and vote whether or not you see a line on random women's tests....LOL

feeling symptoms of AF should be able to use those FSH tests soon....

Day 21: A recipe

2010-09-08T03:03:00.000-07:00

this one is yummy yummy yummy, would you expect anything less than desert?

Peanut Butter Pudding Desert- Taste of home recipe

Day 20: A hobby of yours

2010-09-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

I like to read, cross stitch, draw, baking. Oh you only wanted 1 huh....

I bought those FSH tests a few days ago(first response) Just to ease my mind( have had this test done but like a year ago. have to take on day 3)...will keep you posted. I am sure I have nothing to worry about....

Giveaway

2010-09-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

STFU fertiles is giving an assortment of beauty & bath products from Victoria's Secret, Bath & Body Works & L'Oreal for successfully finding 100 other people who enjoy to complain and listen to others complain about the unkind infertiles in our lives. Head on over and check it out.

"Infertility shows"

2010-09-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

I read a blog post today over at Finding Family, one bundle of joy at a time and I have to agree. Take a look...

Day 19: A talent of yours

2010-09-02T04:10:00.001-07:00

You May or may not have noticed that I skipped day 18. So I am about to let you in on a little secret.

We are not married.... There I said it.... ah sweet release.... although we have been together for almost 10 years we aren't and will not be getting married....EVER....unless some how he can miraculously pay off his back child support and student loans....

This may be one of the reasons we have not pursued adoption either....There is one question I have been asked many a time..."why don't you adopt" Now while I could probably pass all their little tests with flying colors, C could not.

At one point I wanted to do a commitment ceremony...and it was only because I wanted to wear "the dress" and have pictures taken to continue the charade that we were actually married. Honestly though...who needs it...yes it would have been nice and fun even, but in all honesty the only thing that has been on my mind since we figured out that we were going to be together forever is "baby"

so there you have it...Day 18

on to day 19...talent...hmmmmm.... I can draw.... usually I have to be in the mood or someone has to be paying me LOL....probably the only one, or at least that I can think of....

on another note...have been thinking about getting an IF tattoo...thought about a phrase: Hope is never lost...Only found.....

or I was thinking about attempting to design my own, was thinking a cherub holding a ribbon in the shape of a heart....anyway you ladies have a wonderful Labor Day weekend!

Day 17: an art piece

2010-09-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

You Infertiles will get it.

Even though "technically" I am not the problem. Sometimes I am still in shock and feel as though it is.

Day 16: a song that makes you cry

2010-09-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

I can not watch this video without crying. So I have only seen it once or twice, but I love it. "I would die for that" by Kellie Coffey.

Day 15: your dream house

2010-08-31T12:42:00.000-07:00

I totally meant to go by this house that I used to drive by everyday on the way to my old job and snap a picture, but haven't had to go out that way for anything. I love it, it is HUGE and has a deck that goes all the way around it. not so picky about the inside as long as it's finished and I don't have to remodel LOL.

Day 14: a Non-Fictional book

2010-08-30T13:48:00.001-07:00

This book was sooo sad and made me cry numerous times.

This boys mother abused him his whole childhood and it just Pisses me off to no end that she got away with it for so long!

Day 13: a fictional book

2010-08-29T22:44:00.000-07:00

The book is about how a girl, who more or less co-owns an antiquity book store with her father, receives a letter from a writer no one has every been able to get a true interview out of offering her the opportunity to write her biography. In the letter the author tells the story about a young man in a brown suit who comes to interview her, listens to the stories she makes up about her life and continues to tell her “tell me the truth.” Our book lover hasn’t actually read the author and knows nothing about her, but is willing to ask her three questions that can be researched and if she tells the truth, our book lover (Margaret) will write her biography.
The thirteenth tale

It's been a while since I read it so I stole it from this website....so if you are interested in more just follow the link :) I do however remember NOT being able to put it down.

Hmm, maybe I will read it again...

Day 12: something you are OCD about

2010-08-29T00:05:00.001-07:00

That should be obvious....
At least it was before we were diagnosed.

Now.... Not so much OCD about anything.

now that actually sounds depressing.

I was just reading on the Stirrup Queens blog about relaxing when TTC. I am a naturally anxious person and am hoping this doesnt effect my chances with IVF. Maybe I should be more insistent to get on meds. I have mentioned the anxiousness many a time to my docs but they just brush it off.

On another note I feel Kinda lonely today so If you are out there, how bout a hello :)

Day 11: Photo of you recently

2010-08-27T23:14:00.001-07:00

Me and my sis at our dads bbq, kinda look silly, sun was in our face :)
have a good weekend!

Day 10: a photo taken over 10 years ago

2010-08-26T23:45:00.001-07:00

Ok, two taken over 10 years ago. I was 16 and had dropped out of high school my Junior year. Me and my sister in law were at Kmart and saw the booth. Me thinking I would never have those Senior pictures jumped at the chance of having these glamour photos done.

Guess what I learned today

2010-08-26T02:35:00.000-07:00

Prenatal care costs insurance companies 200 times the amount of fertility treatments, and it would only cost each person 20$ more annually to cover those fertility costs.
this one is kinda gross but the drugs we have to take to beef up those eggs for IVF and IUI are created by genetically engineering the cells of hamster ovaries.
did you know there is a fertility test for men where they put his sperm in with the hamster eggs to see if they can fertilize( dont worry, its not possible to create a hamsterhuman)
some RE's use Viagra! in women who undergo IVF to thicken the uterine lining

crazy stuff

Day 9: a photo you took

2010-08-25T23:14:00.001-07:00

ok so I searched through all my pictures and found one I thought was a bit interesting... This was the day I dipped into my savings to buy myself something I "wanted".

My camera :). Of course with anything I buy while saving for IVF comes a little bit of a depression, but eventually it passes. So tada, my dirty car mirror and camera. lol

Day 8: a photo that makes you angry/sad

2010-08-24T23:29:00.001-07:00

Negative pregnancy test.... I was going to post a positive but I thought it might give you readers the wrong idea. I had a positive once and was (whether or not I actually was) pregnant for one day, or at least know what it feels like only to have it ripped away the very next day. so that there is my sad/angry photo.

Day 7: a photo that makes you happy

2010-08-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

This is me and my sister when we were little. We used to go and spend time with my grandma S.

I love this picture. No problems, No responsibilities, and knew nothing of infertility. I miss it...

Day 6: 20 of your favorite things

2010-08-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

wow, this one might be hard.

1. Long drives with scenery
2. sleeping in
3. chocolate cake
4. lip gloss
5. fabric softener
6. laughing
7. a good book
8. cuddling
9. watching movies
10. dancing(even though I am no good at it)
11. the color green
12. shopping
13. babies
14. Hot showers
15. funny faces
16. thanksgiving dinner
17. exercise
18. justice (I love to see criminals get what they deserve, cannot stand it when someone gets off because of a plea deal or because they are crazy- it pisses me off! especially those baby killers!)
19. my parents
20. Pizza

Ok so it was easier than I thought it would be :D

Day 5: Favorite quote

2010-08-22T22:04:00.001-07:00

I have to admit I am not really a "quote" kind of person but I found a couple that I like, here goes...

“A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for”
~ Author Unknown

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

day 4 favorite book

2010-08-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

this book has always been my favorite! I don't know for sure why. Second would have to be the twilight series once again :)

Day 3 favorite television show

2010-08-20T01:55:00.000-07:00

I have many shows I watch... Mostly reality but one show I just cant get enough of is "Roseanne" LOL I can watch it any time!

Day 2 favorite movie

2010-08-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

I love the notebook! I just drool over all that romance...

although I have seen Twilight a million times LOL

30 days of useless information

2010-08-18T01:58:00.000-07:00

I have been seeing these all over blogger and figured ....why not, I have nothing better to do
so here goes

Day 1 - your favorite song: I don't have a favorite song but I usually have one that I am into at any given time so right now it is "just porn dancing" from my darkest days. its got a catchy tune and I like to sing it real loud in my car lol...

Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-18T01:45:00.000-07:00

How friends can support an infertile women

2010-08-13T01:15:00.001-07:00

great article on how families can help support an infertile

How Friends and Family Can Support an Infertile Woman

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

Decision Made

2010-08-08T18:51:00.001-07:00

No more fumbling all over the internet for loopholes, loan options, refund programs, other clinics, and IVF vacations. It isn't practical for me to travel at an important time like this. I want to be comfortable, and to do it I need to be home.

We talked this weekend and he left the decision to me. I have decided we will only do 1 IVF. I asked for opinions on the matter before, and it wasn't anyones comment or suggestion that led me to the decision.

I realize that if we only do one and it fails that it doesn't mean we couldn't do it again and be successful.

I am ready to move on....these last 9 years have been hell and I want it over with. That doesn't mean that I won't be devastated if it doesn't work. I will be horrified if it doesn't work and if the frozen(if any) cycles don't work, but I will pick myself up after a while and move on. Which direction, I don't know and I won't figure that out unless the time comes. For now I will pray that it does work and I will stay positive...

Here was my logic and what ultimately led me to my decision.

Chris has kids, so it is possible for him to procreate, although slim chance on our own it is still possible on his end.

I have not been diagnosed with anything other than Hypothyroidism(not severe) and there are no known cases of infertility on either side of my family. I also have age on my side(27).

So if we find out after the IVF that there was something wrong with my eggs god forbid, we will know why I never got pregnant and it will be the finality I am searching for.

So, we are planning to start up with our retesting next year between May and July and start our IVF by September or October and then pray for a summer baby.

need some opinions again

2010-08-06T01:32:00.000-07:00

I started going through my IVF folder again....I try not to do this because it stresses me out to the max and I can feel my heart beating out of my chest(boobies)....anyway numbers......

retesting us both will cost roughly 600 for him and 1300 for me(before insurance) unluckily my insurance only covers diagnostic. and since it will have been well over a year we have to redo everything.

IVFx3 option through our clinic(should it take all 3)
IVFx3- 14,500 (25-34 yrs of age)
ICSIx3-5,400
anesthesiax3-1800
freezingx3-1800(should we have anything to freeze
medicationsx3- 7500-15000
total should we need all 3- 31,000-38,500
seeing how I am saving before the IVF it will take me forever to save 38,000 f****** dollars.

now if I did 1 single ivf it will cost 12,500-15,360 then if i have freezies it is 1300 per frozen embryo transfer (SHOULD WE HAVE ANYTHING TO FREEZE) if I could say for sure we would have frozen embryos I would totally have already made my decision.

now here is another thought....pay for the 3x option....and do everything only 2x whether or not frozen embryos are factored in...we could use 2x then go on to the freezies if neither worked....without the freezies it would cost 25,500-30,500........now divide those by 2?????? that is the same price as if i payed each individually......................

now, with the information given. what would you personally decide to do? YOU, not me...we all know we can't have others making our decisions for us.....I just want to know your thoughts.

since we are on the discussion of money thought i would add a joke

A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.

He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.

The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.

They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.

The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"

The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."

Refund guarantee programs a joke

2010-07-31T01:04:00.001-07:00

So I contacted an attain clinic in Boise Idaho and got some general information.

You have to be an established patient to apply for the refund program.
So you could end up going to another clinic just to be declined. The woman I talked to also said low sperm count is grounds for a decline....what is the point? 40 percent of couples who have infertility have male factor. I don't get it at all I really don't.

If that wasn't enough, even if you are approved and you don't get pregnant in those 3 cycles you will get UP to 70% of your money back....so what kind of guarantee is that?

pfffffff.... off to find more options....

EDIT: 7/31
Let me just say that if you live near an attain clinic, it can't hurt to at least apply. You can also find other types of refund clinics or ask your own clinic if they have any refund programs such as arc or their own 2 or 3 for 1 deals.

OFf ToPiC(or was supposed to be)

2010-07-18T03:35:00.000-07:00

I am drunk....Yes
set aside the TTC...I do not know whether I am pre Ovulation or post and at the moment I don't care.... If I am post it doesn't really matter. The doctors say we can't get pregnant on our own.

So today I got drunk. And I thought it would make me feel good....and it did for a few hours.... but now all I feel is pain....

9 years...

I wish I was one of the women out there who decided to fulfill my dreams with a "Job". you know...one of those jobs that make boocko(sp?) bucks and by the time I figured out that I wanted a baby I had enough money that no matter how old I was I could "make it happen"

I am a self conscious person.... my nose is too big, my ears stick out, my teeth are not perfectly straight, I don't look people in the eye when they walk by.....I have just started to notice these things..... Is it me feeling like i am not doing something right in the TTC world that makes me feel like I am an ugly person? I often Pretend I am an actress...you know one of those that bite their lip and look sexy....only when I do it and snap that pic I look desperate....for what????

anyone know of any writing classes? I am not sure if this is even coming out right....I should go to bed its almost 4 am!

IVF refund guarantee programs

2010-07-10T10:50:00.000-07:00

So we are now also considering a refund guarantee program through arc fertility centers. I would be spending about the same amount as if I did it here but I would have the refund guarantee that I don't have here.

Another thing is travel....it is 250 miles away...so the only option I see fit is to find a cheap hotel/motel that has a good weekly rate and just stay there throughout treatment....They also have financing available that we don't here.(even though I really want to have the money saved first)

Lastly there is work. What kind of leeway will they give me? Will they let me use FMLA?

On another note Chris is taking his vitamins and herbs like a champ....He thinks the Horny goat weed is starting to work LOL

Have a good weekend (((Hugs to my IF gals)))

A little of this and a little of that

2010-07-06T02:03:00.001-07:00

So we went to a local organic store here in town and picked up some herbal supplements for "him".
We asked one of the people that worked there if they had anything for the male fertility aspect of things....this guy was so funny and obviously gay when he started talking about testosterone and libido and things like that all I could do was giggle..... He suggested "Hot plants" which contain Maca root extract, bark extract, root extract, Horny goat weed(LOL), Ginseng. We also picked up some L arginine. I probably would have been better off with the fertilaid for men as it has more vitamins but maybe i can get him to suck down another pill to go along with these LOL....poor guy. Although it was his idea so I really don't feel bad for him. The guy at the store seems to think that the libido and sexual desire could have an effect on fertility????

On another note Chris is switching back to night shift so we will see each other more.... :)

while waiting...male factor help needed

2010-07-01T04:08:00.001-07:00

Anyone know of anything that "works" to help sperm quality, motility and count? We are considering something called proxeed and some other things...just hoping for someone who maybe has some experience with this. I guess we kinda figure while we are waiting to save the money we could try something that we haven't.

Hope you are all doing well....

Another Option

2010-06-06T00:20:00.000-07:00

I have been completely Hyperventilating on the whole IVF thing. I am stressed I must say and I have quite a bit of time before we will even start the process.

We are now considering an IVF vacation to the Czech Republic Ivf Vacation.

I have been doing tons and tons of googling this past week. If we go this route we would be there for 21 days for as low as $5,600 not including airfare, spending money, and transportation to and from the airport and clinic.

If I do it in the US it is roughly 15,000 just to do 1 IVF. With that I really am not sure yet what we are going to do but this would definitely be an adventure.

I have never been on a plane, or really been anywhere. So the vacation would be awesome. At the same time... I don't want it to end up being JUST a vacation. Very stressful situation I have here and will be mulling it over for a time.....thoughts???

*National Infertility Awareness week

2010-04-25T01:59:00.000-07:00

April 24-May 2
Blogher This Saturday kicks off National Infertility Awareness Week, a week that moved this year from the fall to right before Mother's Day. The move was a smart one, enabling those struggling with the upcoming parent-centered holidays in America to gain support. NIAW formally runs from April 25--May 2, though events and online activities are stretching all the way to Mother's Day.

Mothers day, the worst day of the year for me is coming up. I plan to hide all day long aside from a short visit to my own mother.

I was hoping this Mothers day that I would, in fact be a mother. Not only will I not be a mother, I will be another year older a week later. So to all of you mothers, Happy Mothers Day. Oh how I Envy you. One of the seven deadly sins... what does that even mean... Why is it wrong to want something you don't have?

You can find out more information about infertility here: www.resolve.org/infertility101 and this url giving the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW): www.resolve.org/takecharge. Also, you can find out more information about the What IF? project here- http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.

How to Prepare Your Body for IVF?

2010-04-24T01:12:00.000-07:00

In-vitro fertilization or IVF is a way in which many fertility doctors will attempt to help a woman become pregnant, if she is unable to conceive naturally. Though it is one of the most commonly used procedures for an infertile couple, it can be one of the most stressful as well. When trying to conceive, a couple may endure any number of different treatments, but IVF can yield the best results. A woman considering the procedure can increase her chances of conception by paying attention to her health and doing things that will naturally raise her odds of a successful IVF experience.

The key to how to prepare your body for IVF is having a positive attitude and keeping focus on the goal of having a baby. Before even considering IVF, a woman can use visualization techniques, stress relieving methods and prepare herself mentally and emotionally for the journey ahead. About four to six weeks prior to IVF, a woman should begin giving serious consideration to nutrition, dietary and lifestyle habits which play an important role in the outcome she desires. If a woman is used to consuming alcohol or smokes cigarettes, now is the time to give up those habits which can have a negative effect on fertility, as well as keep the IVF from being successful.

IVF miscarriage has been directly related to excessive smoking and drinking alcohol, so eliminating these things is crucial to the health of a mother and child. Being overweight or underweight can also decrease the chances a woman has of becoming pregnant through IVF, if either of these problems is present a female should address it in a healthy and productive way. When trying to conceive using IVF, there are a great number of things a woman can do to improve her chances. The decisions a female makes now will have a direct impact on her success or failure using IVF, any questions or concerns should be discussed with her physician.

A woman must be prepared physically as well as mentally to undergo IVF and some of the things that can help are good nutrition, exercise and acupuncture. Eating foods that are nutrient dense, fresh and not processed is the simplest and best thing a woman can do to increase fertility and have a healthy conception and pregnancy. Acupuncture can improve blood circulation and relax the uterus of an infertile woman, both of which can increase the chances of IVF working.

Though incorporation of a healthy diet, regular exercise, having a normal body weight, incorporating acupuncture and doing other natural lifestyle adjustments, a woman can improve her chances of IVF success and lower the risk of IVF miscarriage. With the various different resources and study information surrounding IVF success, it pays for a woman to become educated and informed about her reproductive health. When knowing how to prepare your body for IVF, it can help improve the chances of being able to someday welcome a baby into your life.

Infertility bloggers unite

2010-04-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

what if project-http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/

Late

2010-03-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

Ok so I was a week late this month. However I did not get excited and rightfully so. Not Pregnant. I figure it had something to do with the meds I was taking for a Hemorrhoid(TMI) I know sorry. I just had to point out that if it is not one thing it is another.

The good news is I was told it was gone. I got a car....love it...did not love the price tag. Took a couple thousand out of the baby fund and I am a little depressed about that. we are selling one of our other cars for 1000 so that will go back in at least.

I went to a funeral today. An old supervisors wife died unexpectedly this past week. She was 34. I did not know her but after a photo collage showing how wonderful a person she was, I wish I had.

Kind of makes me think I should live everyday to the fullest and not dwell on something I don't have. As depressing as it is for me to live without a child and it is something I won't get over until I have one. I need to try and have fun and do my best not to think about it... It will come...

Slowly getting closer

2010-02-20T01:57:00.000-08:00

Very slowly. I have almost reached the 8,000 dollar mark...which means only about 12,000 to go. I'ts very hard to save money when there are things going wrong everywhere you look. my car needs work but I keep hoping it will be ok for another year. My clothes are falling apart and those too need to last another year. I am saving every penny I can get my hands on. I literally have a ziploc bag in my dresser drawer that holds all my change so that when it is full it will go with me to the bank.

I have nothing else to say. ugh!

Long time no write

2009-12-31T04:02:00.000-08:00

Haven't had a thing to write about. Spend my days wasting time playing on the computer, reading, and watching movies. I try to get in some workout time with the Wii fit but I have no motivation.

Little things are starting to set me off into crying fits.

I will be 27 in 4 and a half months. Some of you may think that I am still young and have plenty of time. It's been almost 9 years of trying. Sometimes I feel like it will never happen. Is it too much to ask? Sometimes I wonder where this need comes from. Why do I need this so much. And why do I feel like I can't do without it? I'm obsessed as my DH would say. I can't help it. If only I could erase the need....I would. I can't. It's here, every day. Haunting me.

I bought a bicycle!!

2009-09-26T02:18:00.000-07:00

Yeah....so I went to my Endocrinologist for my thyroid...and come to find out...I have gained 17lbs in the last year which brings it to a 37lb total weight gain since I stopped smoking 2 and a half years ago....that is horrible...I went from a tiny 140(5'7") to a whopping 177...WTF ...so I gained 10 when I quit smoking in like 3 months...that was to be expected.....then another 15 when I was on clomid...and it didn't go away....now another 12? should I blame the fert drugs or the lack of exercise and the computer???? IDK but that is why I bought it....it dipped into my IVF fund but i really need to be in good shape before I do my IVF....the only thing that sucks is I will only have a couple months before it starts to snow if I am lucky. so hopefully it is a short winter and I will be able to keep it up....
have to pick it up in the morning...so yeah exercise...exercise...gotta get used to that word.

Haven't Posted in a While

2009-09-21T02:16:00.000-07:00

This is an anticipation post. 18 LONG months until we can afford to do IVF....now this is just a estimation it can possibly be longer or shorter depending on how things go... i.e. car, house, job, etc... anything can happen.

my SIL just had her baby and I must say...he is a DOLL.

he was a biggin too. 8lbs 11 oz named Maxamillion. pic posted.

Have a good week :)

multitude of multiples(TV show/ very sad moment)

2009-09-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

OMG I was watching the show that I recorded last night.... it was about 3 couples that had multiples.... 1 was pregnant with 4, another was giving birth to 6 and another couple had 5

anyway like most of those shows I was totally jealous. So the Tabb family that was pregnant with quads has a scan on her babies and one of them is smaller than the rest. so they want another scan in 2 weeks to decide whether or not to deliver.(because she has a better chance to survive outside the mothers body.

so 2 weeks later they go in for the scan, the doctor is looking at the screen and almost looks like he is going to cry.

I just burst into tears because I knew what he was going to say. Baby D(Ella Faith) did not have a heartbeat.

I didn't think I could feel this much emotion over someone else losing a child....I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stomped on it.

this is the only News article I could find on the Tabb family
the Tabb family

another couple on the show with 5 babies!
The wilkonson quints
and the carpio family who has 6 babies!
carpio family news

2009-09-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

DH daughter

Night off from TTC thoughts

2009-09-04T00:57:00.000-07:00

We went to see Marilyn Manson in concert. It wasn't my pick BTW and chris payed for it so what the heck...it was PACKED in there...we ended up pretty close to the stage where we were thrashed around fondled by lezbos and sweated on by shirtless men...But we had a blast...

at first we were right up front for the opening band September Morning. We ended up moving and glad we did because the guy that was in front of me had really bad breath lol... we got more pics but these were the only ones I got on my phone. I seriously didn't think I would have that much fun. And in hubby's words...I held my own when it came to the pushing and shoving...I was a janitor for 3 years hauling heavy bags of towels all day and now I lift 35lb trays of silver all day lol...

ok the bad parts....
1. there was a girl that kept walking through the crowd grabbing ass....she got me 2x, hubby 1x

2. the sweaty bald guy in that first pic was with 2 girls whose armpits stunk and one of them touched my booby

3 there was another sweaty guy who had his shirt off and at one point he was in front of me, kept falling back on me so I had his nasty sweat on me...eeeeww

4 there was some guy to the left of me who kept ramming into me...DH and I sent him flying a couple times....

5 the body surfers, never saw them coming....lol almost got kicked a few times

6 (wow more than i though but this is the last one, promise) the girl with the frizzy long hair....I was sweaty and her hair kept getting stuck to me...lol

most of the bad things were for just a few minutes so for the most part we had a good time...towards the end during "the beautiful people" me and Chris held onto each other for dear life and got shoved around together lol he was my anchor and we had fun...so there it is lol

Clown car for sure

2009-09-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

Well I've been doing pretty good lately . The depression was wearing off....Then first thing i see on yahoo when I log on today is that Jim bob and michelle duggar are pregnant again...WTF 19 kids? honestly? when are you going to stop? what if you dont go through menopause till you are 60? a few more kids?????? wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf I HATE YOU BITCH...ah had to let that out...

I felt like it was a slap in the face. to see those big bold letters announcing her pregnancy my heart just dropped. When is it my turn??? Why do I have to wait and wait and wait....she has probably had 9 kids in the time that I've been ttc....why her....

do you remember in grade school waiting in line for the drinking fountain? then when you finally reach it and you are taking your big gulps, the kid behind you screams "Save some for the whales"?
That is honestly how I feel right now.

another drawing+ RANT

2009-08-28T23:22:00.001-07:00

thanks Jennifer :)

yay, another drawing...I know you all love them so much...j/k. haven't been real ttc oriented lately but as most of you know we are in limbo. Saving money sucks...1 major downfall of saving money? People think you have it to loan....NO absolutely not. I have never really been one to loan money but really? I am saving to bring a life into the world...Leave me the F*** alone. Go get another job if you need the money so bad or learn how to budget....it took me a long time to get where I am able to save it and those people need to figure it out for themselves....thank god for caller ID and voicemail :) have a nice weekend everyone

couples(drawing)

2009-08-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

a little harder to do but fun for sure.
thanks michele for letting me do that for you.

2009-08-22T00:53:00.001-07:00

meant to put it with the original pic but accidentally saved over it...ya get the idea.
THANKS JENNIFER :)

wordless wednesday

2009-08-19T03:19:00.001-07:00

drawing

2009-08-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

So every now and then I pick up a new hobby. I think I have an obsessive personality... Lately I've been on the computer playing stupid games to make the time go by faster.

I drew this a while back and I think I want to get back into it...I used to draw all the time... I got a couple Pictures lined up...will post soon :)...People are my favorite things to draw...I am not that great at it I'll admit. but I do enjoy doing it and it keeps my mind off of TTC a lot. what do you think?

feeling sad

2009-08-14T01:21:00.000-07:00

So if I wasn't already down lately, I came home tonight and stepped in a HUGE pile of dog crap. All of a sudden I got the urge to cry. I have stepped in dog crap so many times you think I would be used to it....What makes it worse is that I happen to see this dog crap before I left for work and I STILL stepped in it. I don't have dogs so why the HELL do I have dog crap in my yard in the first place?

On another note...I got my period yesterday. So maybe that had something to do with me wanting to cry. I feel like my goal is so close, but so far away. I feel like something is going to go wrong(money wise) and my goal will be pushed back further...does that make sense? Time seems to be going so slow but when I look back it's actually going so fast....But why does 19 months sound like soo long??
Hmm...maybe I need to sleep this sounds retarded.

movie night

2009-08-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the comments on the kids, they aren't mine though I'd love to adopt each of them. lets see....on my side i have 10 nieces and nephews, Katrina(10), Brandon(10), Destiney(9), Raiden(8), Jaden(7), Marrissa(6), Kylie(3), Britney(3), Lily(1), and max is due in September. (I have 5 brothers and 1 sister all of them have kids but me)

Now on my DH side he doesn't have any siblings but we have cousins he is close to and all the kids call him uncle chris. so there is Michael(14), Paige, Dillon, Rainey, Grant, Zachary, Jeremiah, April, Jasmine, Star, and one more I can't even think of his name...

then also my Best friends(also married to Chris cousin) kids I consider my nieces/nephews, Gavin, Gary, Nikki, and Robby. so that is 25 fricken kids
so you may see lots of them around in pics

anyway as you can see the title is actually Movie night...lol so lets get to it....
I just got back from the movie store and here were my picks
1. Inkheart
2.Coraline(3D)
3. The Haunting In Connecticut
probably watching them tomorrow...maybe 1 tonight...anyway this is all I really like to do in my free time sit at home at chill....no wonder my ass is getting so big...lmao
hope you all have a good weekend.

One Lovely blog Award

2009-08-06T23:07:00.000-07:00

Hi, was given the One Lovely blog award by BB with Baby To Be and also Brooke with You, Me and a Petri

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

And now the award goes to…
999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
A Decade of BFNs
A Few Good Sperm
A Journey Of Endomeriosis And Fertility
A Journey Through Infertility
All Things Griffin
Baby To Be
Bits and pieces of becoming a mom
Busted Tube: Adventures in Infertility
Chantelle & Cyndi OUR LIFE, OUR DREAMS
Domesticated
Go sperm go!
IVF and ICSI
Infertility on the Brain!
My Life After Loss
Our roller coaster ride through infertility and more
Ready To Start Our Family
The Infertility Journey To Motherhood
The Sassy Infertile Lady
There is a Light at the End of this Tunnel
We got hitched. We bought the 4 bedroom house. Now what???
Tubeless in Seattle - A Pregnant (with Triplets after IVF) Blog
wishing for a baby bump
You, Me and a Petri
Life in the Northwest
Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters

I know it's just a few more than 15(tee hee) but I didnt want to leave anyone out

wordless wednesday

2009-08-05T00:59:00.001-07:00

wordless wednesday

2009-07-29T03:37:00.000-07:00

Working on my abs

2009-07-26T03:28:00.000-07:00

So I got a bonus from work with this paycheck. $500 dollars extra. So most of it is going towards my IVF obviously but I decided to go out and get me something to make me feel good. See through this whole TTC journey I've been neglecting myself as far as staying in shape. 2 years ago I was 135 lbs. Keep in mind I am 5'7"

As of today I am 170 lbs. Some of it was gained when I quit smoking(2 yrs ago) and some while taking clomid(2007). luckily it is distributed all over not in just one spot. lol(as if that made it better)

So starting tonight and then every other day for a while I will be doing about a 1/2 hour of these exercises with this machine... my dad uses it and has been for about a year. I wanted to make sure it worked for him before I devoted any time to it.
and before I went out and bought it I asked if he still USED it. He loves it as much as he ever did...

on the off chance I decide I don't like it, It would make a good lawn chair. I could get a tan on one side...flip over and do the other side...LMAO
PS I need to start walking too.

What they would do for us

2009-07-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

So my DH has agreed to start taking vitamins... I just have to make sure I put them somewhere where he will see them in the morning so he doesn't forget. Today it was on the computer because he uses it every morning...so computer it is...lol

I told him about something I read on the internet about having sex every day improves sperm quality.... well he laughed at me so I guess that's out.

I am looking out my window right now and I have to tell you that it sucks living next door to your pregnant Sister in law. She is about 2 months from giving birth. My brother is so dumb. He came over one day and asked if I wanted to feel the baby kick. How dumb are you brother??

Anyway tomorrow I'm getting my transmission serviced. Have to keep it running if I don't want to have to spend my savings on a new tranny. Happy Tuesday!!